Beyond Monogamy: Our Journey as a Black Queer Couple

Coming Clean: Our Polyamorous Truth

Alright loves, we’ve got some tea to spill today!

For those who’ve been following our journey through the cobblestone streets of Brussels and our adventures as a Black queer couple abroad, you might have noticed we’ve always portrayed our relationship as strictly monogamous. Well, surprise! dramatic pause That hasn’t been entirely accurate for quite some time now.

Why the delayed transparency? Partly because, as Bo puts it, “You never know who could be watching—it could be family, it could be a whole lot of people.” And let’s be real, existing at the intersection of Blackness and queerness already comes with its own set of challenges without adding another layer that many don’t understand.

But today we’re embracing our full truth. Nothing was “dirty” about it before (we see you, judgy internet trolls), but we’re officially coming clean about this side of our relationship. Our partnership did begin as monogamous, but after many late-night conversations over Belgian chocolate and lambic beer, we’ve evolved. And that evolution has been beautiful, challenging, and so distinctly ours.

Starting from Different Places

An interesting tidbit about us: entering our relationship, one of us already had “polyamorous” clearly tattooed on her forehead (metaphorically, of course—though Rae’s considered making it literal during her more impulsive moments). Meanwhile, the other was sporting more of a question mark.

“I was definitely defining myself as polyamorous,” Rae explains while adjusting her multiple piercings that she swears aren’t just signals to “the girls and the they/thems” that she’s queer. “I’ve always known that I could be in love with multiple people at the same time.”

And before you jump to conclusions—no, it’s not because she’s bisexual. Unfortunately, that’s a stigma that comes with being bisexual, as if our sexuality somehow makes us incapable of commitment. Deep sigh and eye roll

Meanwhile, Bo entered the relationship more cautiously, unsure if polyamory could work for her but willing to explore. This difference in our starting points has actually strengthened our communication from day one.

The Brussels Bubble: Being Black, Queer & Poly in Europe

Living in Brussels as a Black queer couple already places us in a unique bubble. This city, with its complex colonial history with Africa and its current status as the “Capital of Europe,” creates an interesting backdrop for our Black diasporic love story.

While Europeans often pride themselves on being “progressive,” we’ve found that progressive doesn’t always extend to understanding Black queer polyamorous relationships. The raised eyebrows we get at expat mixers when we mention “our girlfriend” (singular or plural) remind us that we’re breaking multiple molds simultaneously.

The beauty of carving out our own space in the Belgian capital is that we’ve built a community of other Black diasporic queer folks who understand the complexity of navigating multiple cultural expectations. From Caribbean to West African to American to European Black identities, we’ve created a tapestry of understanding that affirms our relationship choices.

As Rae often jokes after our monthly Brussels Black Queer potlucks, “If King Leopold could see us now, loving freely and taking up space—he’d be quaking!”

Setting Boundaries: The Reddit Education

When you step outside the heteronormative, monogamous relationship model, you suddenly find yourself without a script. There’s no “One Tree Hill” for polyamorous Black sapphics teaching us what’s acceptable, what’s not, what we should tolerate, and what we shouldn’t.

So how did we figure it out? For Bo, her education came from an unlikely source—Reddit’s polyamory community.

“I wasn’t really sure of what I could be comfortable with or uncomfortable with,” Bo explains. “In that community, people are very open in the comments. They take time to explain, give examples… they’re really teaching the person coming with the dilemmas.”

Through reading others’ experiences, she could imagine herself in different scenarios: “Nah, I don’t think I would accept that—it could never be me,” or “That would bother me a little but wouldn’t be a deal breaker.”

For us, the main foundation is security. Bo needs to feel that her partner has “got her” no matter the context. Understanding love languages helps too—quality time is crucial for maintaining that security.

And the most important realization? Boundaries aren’t fixed—they evolve as we do. What worked for us last year might not work today, and what seems challenging now might become comfortable in the future.

The Jealousy Question: One Has It, One Doesn’t

Let’s address the green-eyed monster in the room. In our relationship, there’s a clear jealousy imbalance.

“Bo is the jealous one in this relationship,” Rae states matter-of-factly, with a teasing smile. “I don’t do jealousy. I don’t get jealous.”

Bo, meanwhile, admits to being both jealous and possessive—though apparently, this remained hidden for the first two years of our relationship. Her coping mechanism? “I take my possessiveness and the heat that you feel right here,” she gestures to her chest, “I just smash it and then I put it here,” pointing to an imaginary container, “and then I push it down and then it kind of goes away.”

Jealousy management is particularly crucial for a relationship like ours. Over the years, Bo’s confidence has grown substantially, making jealousy easier to handle. For her, confidence comes from multiple sources: working out, eating well, paying attention to self-presentation, and making efforts in the relationship.

Rae’s response to jealousy (or lack thereof) is quite different: “When I see people checking you out or looking you up and down or coming on to you, my pride just goes times a million. It gets bigger and bigger,” she explains, gesturing expansively. “Sometimes I have to be like, ‘Okay, let’s calm down. You don’t need to be this proud.'”

This dynamic creates an interesting balance between us—one managing the occasional pang of jealousy, the other basking in compersion (joy from seeing your partner desired or happy with others).

The Black Sapphic Experience and Polyamory

A question we often encounter: Does homosexuality lead to polyamory?

Our answer is a resounding “No.” Being queer doesn’t automatically make someone polyamorous, despite what your conservative relatives might believe. However, we do recognize that being in queer relationships opens doors to questioning societal norms.

“When you’re in a queer relationship, you’re already doing something that goes against what society has always encouraged you to do,” Rae explains. “So it’s like, might as well question everything.”

For Black queer women specifically, this questioning takes on additional dimensions. Our ancestors across the diaspora have had diverse relationship structures erased or demonized through colonization and forced Christian conversion. Reclaiming the freedom to define our relationships on our own terms becomes an act of decolonization.

As Black women loving women in a world that often renders us invisible, each aspect of our identity we embrace authentically feels revolutionary. Whether it’s embracing our natural hair in European settings, speaking our native languages in public, or openly discussing our polyamorous structure—each choice asserts our existence and our right to define love on our terms.

The Impact on Our Relationship

Despite the challenges, opening our relationship has strengthened our bond.

“It’s made our relationship seem even stronger to me,” Bo reflects. “So I’m like, ‘Oh, okay, so the new relationship is not going to automatically disintegrate [ours].’ Because even though I knew that wasn’t going to happen, I think my brain was still very monogamously wired.”

One practical challenge? Time management. Between managing our two jobs, maintaining our primary relationship, and nurturing connections with other partners, our Google calendars look like abstract art.

“It’s time-consuming, it’s energy-consuming,” Bo observes, wondering aloud how people manage four or five partners. “Do you still work? Do you still have a roof over your head? Wow, multiple roofs!”

But the time spent apart makes our time together more intentional. As Bo puts it, “When I do have time and energy for us, it’s like, ‘Make it count,’ you know?”

Building Our Own Model

The beauty—and challenge—of polyamory is that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. As Bo discovered through her “very academic research” (read: Reddit scrolling), there are countless ways to be polyamorous.

“I don’t think I’ve seen the same situation twice,” she notes. “Maybe we need to have polyamorous TV shows from the beginning.”

This absence of representation means we’re constantly building and rebuilding our own model. There’s freedom in creating something uniquely suited to us, but it’s also work—work that requires continuous communication, checking in, and willingness to evolve.

Final Thoughts

So there you have it—our polyamorous truth is finally out in the digital universe. We’re not “shouting it from the rooftops,” as Rae jokes (though she might be), but we’re no longer hiding this aspect of who we are.

As we continue navigating life as Black queer women in Brussels, we’re embracing the complexity and beauty of defining love on our own terms. Our relationship isn’t just about challenging relationship norms—it’s about creating space for our fullest selves as Black women in a world that often tries to contain us.

Whether you’re polyamorous, monogamous, or somewhere in between, we hope our journey inspires you to question, explore, and ultimately create relationships that honor your authentic self—whatever that looks like.

Want to see more of our chaotic, loving dynamic as we discuss these topics? Check out our full video where we dive deeper into these conversations, complete with Rae’s excited hand gestures and Bo’s contemplative pauses!

P.S. If you wanna have some more laughs whilst getting to know us better, then this might be the post and video for you!

Have you explored relationship structures beyond traditional monogamy? Share your experiences in the comments below!